I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
