how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
