I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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