I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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