im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
