If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
