You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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