1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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