I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize