I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
