my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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