I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
