i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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