Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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