i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
