So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
