I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
