I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
