I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
