i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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