How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
