we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
