and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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