Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
