im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
