Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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