Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
please come you make the beer taste better
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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