im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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