oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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