So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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