What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
