i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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