this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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