you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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