I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
