Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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