i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
