why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
