I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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