She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
