I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
