last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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