So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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