Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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