Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
