Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
