You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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