I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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