A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
