i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
