Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
this is an emotional support booty call
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
