my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
