I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
