Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
